Using the "C" word in mixed company
The Pact
Years and years ago, my best friend and I swore each other to a murder suicide pact. One that is still binding to this day.
On a sidenote, while I have no doubt as to my own resolve, I have misgivings about his ability to carry out his end of the deal. You see, on a memorable Christmas I gave him an eight hundred dollar Beretta which he owns to this day, but does not keep ammunition for it. If ever I go on a Cocaine induced bender, charge through the house, and barge into his room I expect to be drilled in the head like I deserve. Not going to happen with the situation as it is, so the pact comes into question.
The terms of the pact were simple. If, ever, one of us were to see the other wearing a cell phone on his belt, we were bound to execute the other on the spot, then turn the pistola on ourselves to avoid prosecution. If the suicide part was hard to take to task, then suicide by Police Officer was acceptable, though I could never point a firearm at a cop. That's just rude, and very scary to the cop.
New Terms
I am calling for new terms to the pact; an addendum, if you will. These terms go one way. If he commits this transgression, I do nothing. If I ever do this thing, I call it open season on myself for him. What is this thing? The use of the "C" word. Zero Tolerance.
Not THAT "C" Word. The other one. "Carb". If I ever use that word in conversation in relating to my own health, I deserve to be double-tapped in the melon.
Has this world gone completely bananas? Here is the proverbial straw to this camel's back. A very large vitamin supplement company is now marketing a Low Carb friendly multi vitamin. And how about Low Carb Coca Cola?! People, this is insane. I am a reasonable man, but this craze is absolutely out of control.
First of all, the Atkins diet and it's spinoffs and copycats WILL KILL you. Ask any nutritionist. Say this to yourself: "For breakfast, I'd like six strips of bacon, two pork sausage patties, and a fried egg." Now say it every morning. Now say "I'll take angioplasty and a vascular bypass for a thousand, Alex". Get the picture? I do.
Lastly, why does America feel the compulsion to go overboard on every new popular health issue? Oh, that's right. I just answered my own question. "America". It's to make a buck.
Here's my diet. Feel free to follow it. Eat what you want. Make sure it's not too much of any one thing. Open your mind to those vegetables you hated as a kid. You are an adult now, try them again. You might be surprised. When was the last time you ate a piece of fruit? Order a steak, I recommend the 8oz filet. Make sure it isn't a filet wrapped in bacon. Butchers do that to hold together an inferior cut of beef. Make sure some green food comes with it. I recommend blanched asparagus. How about garlic mashed potatoes instead of that baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream. Enjoy it, you've earned it. We all have. We work, very hard, and more often than not for a company that has gotten to big for it's own good and has lost touch with the employees who got it there. Now, lastly, Get up off your ass and take a walk. Go find something fun to do that gets the pumper going and DO it. Thank you for your time.
Now I think I'll go and rustle up a mashed potato sandwich and a large side of farfalle pasta...
Years and years ago, my best friend and I swore each other to a murder suicide pact. One that is still binding to this day.
On a sidenote, while I have no doubt as to my own resolve, I have misgivings about his ability to carry out his end of the deal. You see, on a memorable Christmas I gave him an eight hundred dollar Beretta which he owns to this day, but does not keep ammunition for it. If ever I go on a Cocaine induced bender, charge through the house, and barge into his room I expect to be drilled in the head like I deserve. Not going to happen with the situation as it is, so the pact comes into question.
The terms of the pact were simple. If, ever, one of us were to see the other wearing a cell phone on his belt, we were bound to execute the other on the spot, then turn the pistola on ourselves to avoid prosecution. If the suicide part was hard to take to task, then suicide by Police Officer was acceptable, though I could never point a firearm at a cop. That's just rude, and very scary to the cop.
New Terms
I am calling for new terms to the pact; an addendum, if you will. These terms go one way. If he commits this transgression, I do nothing. If I ever do this thing, I call it open season on myself for him. What is this thing? The use of the "C" word. Zero Tolerance.
Not THAT "C" Word. The other one. "Carb". If I ever use that word in conversation in relating to my own health, I deserve to be double-tapped in the melon.
Has this world gone completely bananas? Here is the proverbial straw to this camel's back. A very large vitamin supplement company is now marketing a Low Carb friendly multi vitamin. And how about Low Carb Coca Cola?! People, this is insane. I am a reasonable man, but this craze is absolutely out of control.
First of all, the Atkins diet and it's spinoffs and copycats WILL KILL you. Ask any nutritionist. Say this to yourself: "For breakfast, I'd like six strips of bacon, two pork sausage patties, and a fried egg." Now say it every morning. Now say "I'll take angioplasty and a vascular bypass for a thousand, Alex". Get the picture? I do.
Lastly, why does America feel the compulsion to go overboard on every new popular health issue? Oh, that's right. I just answered my own question. "America". It's to make a buck.
Here's my diet. Feel free to follow it. Eat what you want. Make sure it's not too much of any one thing. Open your mind to those vegetables you hated as a kid. You are an adult now, try them again. You might be surprised. When was the last time you ate a piece of fruit? Order a steak, I recommend the 8oz filet. Make sure it isn't a filet wrapped in bacon. Butchers do that to hold together an inferior cut of beef. Make sure some green food comes with it. I recommend blanched asparagus. How about garlic mashed potatoes instead of that baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream. Enjoy it, you've earned it. We all have. We work, very hard, and more often than not for a company that has gotten to big for it's own good and has lost touch with the employees who got it there. Now, lastly, Get up off your ass and take a walk. Go find something fun to do that gets the pumper going and DO it. Thank you for your time.
Now I think I'll go and rustle up a mashed potato sandwich and a large side of farfalle pasta...
1 Comments:
i've posted a response out on my site, but the pact stands as is, and just because i don't keep the beretta loaded doesn't mean i can't pistol whip the fuck outta you, so don't start going soft on me just because i work for a wireless company or don't keep the pistol loaded.
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